Resolutions Made Easy
One of January’s bummers is that it brings in the New Year … with the OLD YOU. It has others, like running out of Prosecco, or realizing you’ve watched Netflix in its totality, but the OLD YOU is never a good look.
Not after the festive season’s gruelling ‘drink-a-thon’ and ‘all-you-can-eat-marathon’ which I can humbly say are my areas of expertise. I look like the Michelin Man after he has let himself go.
Remember that old saying ‘Everywhere you go … there you are’? Well, that includes the New Year. And quite frankly I don’t want to share this sparkling New Year with the OLD ME. New Year deserves something better! I deserve something better! A thinner, smarter, prettier, younger, non-smoking, non-judgmental (there’s so many idiotic jerks out there!) … kinder, more charitable, compassionate, considerate, generous, impartial, wonderful, better ME. Come to think of it … someone else would do just fine. Maybe there’s something to reincarnation.
I’m not alone. All my friends and family want me, to get a NEW ME. And they’re not shy about expressing their opinion, especially the aunties on my mother’s side who make Macbeth’s witches look like Goldilocks:
‘You smoke too much…’, ‘You old!’, ‘You spinster you gonna break your mother’s heart’, ‘You go to Brazil … get a total lift…like me!’. That’s my Aunt ‘Nena’ (her real nickname). She’s been lifted so much her chin is in line with her eyebrows.
I have no choice but to create a NEW ME, which is where New Year’s Resolutions come in! These self-imposed objectives are a true blessing! All you do is announce them and your family will greet you with a mix of admiration and pride! Just kidding. My family are disinterested and deep down know that I won’t keep them. But at least you can greet yourself every morning with admiration and pride. I certainly do! OK the carajillo (coffee and brandy) helps.
So … how to define your very own NYRs? It’s easy! Unlike work objectives which have to be Measurable, Achievable and Realistic, your NYRs can be completely Outlandish, Impossible to achieve and Non-realistic!
‘I will win this year’s Pulitzer prize’ carries as much weight as ‘I will lose a stone’ (pardon the pun) and, quite frankly, is much more achievable. Guess I better start writing that novel.
The simplest method is called ‘Copy and Paste’. Just copy last year’s NYRs and add an extra couple of pounds. By late February everyone will have forgotten how much weight you wanted to lose, including you! As an added benefit, you can use that exact same list for 2022! That’s what I call efficiency. Now where is that box of donuts?
Next is the tried and tested, ‘Be the Best You Can Be’, which could sound challenging to any newbie. However, a slight word alteration and it becomes, ‘Be the Worst You Can Be’ making it soooo easy to accomplish and a lot more fun too!
Then there’s the method everyone’s raving about, ‘The Brexit Way’. Here you spend months and months telling everyone you’re on top of things and end up doing close to nothing.
Finally, the NYRs my dodgy uncle (everyone’s got one) swears by and renews every year. More than resolutions they are a way of life. He might be flawed, but he’s happy and lives life to the fullest:
‘Be patient and abide your time’ (from doing time).
‘Take what life has to offer’ (from auto-theft).
‘Run fast towards your goals’ (police chase).
I’ll drink to that. Happy New Year!