All you need is LIKES

When my boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day I didn’t hesitate, ‘Can you get all your office colleagues to LIKE my page?’ 
Yes ladies and gentlemen it has come to this, I don’t want to be loved, I want to be liked. Boyfriend can send cards and flowers, but that won’t make me feels as loved as 50 new LIKES. As the Beatles’ song would say now: ‘All you need is LIKES’.
This isn’t me talking. Experts say social media is changing our concept of LOVE and in the future our self-worth will be measured by the number LIKES and FOLLOWS we get and how ‘FRIENDED’ we are. Guess I’m just ahead of the times! With 7.63 billion people in the world … the opportunities are endless!
Of course many people moan and say it’s the end of romance and that sending an e-card is like drinking decaf: you don’t feel anything and it’s sad. Millennials on the other hand will ask ‘What’s a card?’ and accuse you of personally ‘destroying the Amazon, the jungle, the ecosystem, the planet, the universe, the future, their livelihood, the-possibility-of-ever-buying-a-home-and-I-resent-you … you old fogey’. 
Being an old fogey myself, (defined as someone who still uses Facebook), I admit it’s difficult for those young souls-doomed-to-rent-for-the-rest-of-their-life-or-live-with-mom…to comprehend what went on ‘in our times’.

• When ‘strong or weak’ did not refer to passwords, but traits of your future husband. 
  
• If someone looked into your eyes it was to show their love, not to verify your identity. #PassportControl.
  
• A hashtag (#) was the first step to playing Ticktacktoe, not a way to further communicate with as little effort as possible. #ILuvU 
  
• When your best friend said ‘I think Gary’s cute’ it was natural and acceptable to respond ‘MeToo’! 
  
• And when that certain Gary touched your shoulder and asked ‘Wanna have a drink after work?’, you thought ‘Wonderful!’, not a #PossibleMeToo.
  

Please understand: I am not dissing Social Media, on the contrary! I believe it comes with love-enhancing opportunities that us ‘old fogeys’ would have relished!
Let’s start with dating. Remember those blind dates well-meaning friends hooked you up with? They’d turn up with the personality of an amoeba and more dandruff than an accountant? Then it turned out they WERE accountants? Now you can google them to death and check them out on Tinder, Grinder and REMINDER to swipe him (or her) left. Forever.  
Equally reassuring are ‘dinner dates’ which today consist of sharing pics of your latest Deliveroo while texting ‘Yummy’. What a relief not to worry about stupid chit chat or having to drown your burps while eating that enchilada.
What about those love letters people wrote? (Ok, I wrote). So long and convoluted they made War and Peace look like a Tweet. Such a waste of time and I never got any action anyway. Nowadays just send an inappropriate pic of yourself and you’re in!
Then there’s the ‘Wedding Scene’. Gone are the days when you picked the bridesmaids because they were your friends. Now you choose them because they’re photogenic. No budget for your wedding? No worries! Get married in front of a green screen background and post a Bahamas wedding! Because what’s important are not the vows, but … you guessed it, the ‘LIKES’. Of course your romantic honeymoon includes your 1700 friends – because if you don’t post where you’ve been, it’s like it never happened. Because it might not have happened … green screen backdrop and all that. 
Then you’re married and it’s all about ‘puppy love’! Not that stupid, pimply, prepubescent love of yesteryear. Today it’s about your puppy in a Cupid Costume with hubby and you in the background kissing. #AdorablyCute. A billion ‘LIKES’. 
Finally its break-up time, better known as #HateUDivorceU. Millennials have it so easy! No more awkward moments when friends you had as a couple have to pick sides and say things like, ‘Let’s stay in touch!’ and never talk to you again. Social Media allows you to take the initiative and BLOCK, UNFOLLOW, DEFRIEND, DELETE, DE-LINK, DESERT, DECLINE. #NeverLikedYouAnyway 
Sound too good to be true? Well just remember that in today’s world if your heart skips a beat, it’s probably not love. You’re having a heart attack. #RIP
Happy Valentine’s Day.
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Sonia Aste is a writer and a very needy comedian. Please LIKE her page: FB SoniaAste
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