Wondering what the future will look like, post Corona? After intensive idiotic investigations and ridicoulous rigourous research the following newscast provides the answer.
This is Portfolio People reporting LIVE! From the future!
Covid-19 is officially over. No need to worry about the virus killing off humanity, now it’s back to nuclear weapons, terrorist attacks and hate crimes.
No more Corona fever! Although there are still fevers out there, like hay fever, spring fever, Saturday Night Fever,
‘… night, fever night feveeer …’
That song alone is reported to produce a slow and painful death.
No more two-meter rule! Joyful time for pickpockets, back stabbers and bum grabbers!
Mediterranean countries are back to hugging with passion! So much passion that sometimes group hugs turn into orgies.
Meanwhile in the UK, Brits are delighted to be back to keeping 10 meters distance from each other. As one man from Leatherhead said, ‘The two-meter rule was too close and infringed in our personal space’.
Track & Trace apps no longer needed but still in use to avoid unpleasant encounters with boring relatives and annoying neighbors.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has just published his bestselling book, ‘The Life Changing Magic of Getting Away with Everything’. He freely admits discarding all the information that does not bring him joy. Marie Kondo to seek compensation for breach of copyright.
Dominic Cummings is now a tour guide at Barnard Castle and Keir Starmer works in a nudist camp, he’s finally showing some b… some courage.
In the US Donald Trump launches his presidential campaign, ‘Orange Lives Matter’, and promises to ‘Make America Fake Again’.
Social media replaces ‘thumbs up’ and ‘thumbs down’ with everyone’s favorite ‘the middle finger’.
Zoom’s latest upgrade shows the whole body, confirming everyone’s suspicion that most zoomers are half naked.
Ted Talks rebranded ‘Fed Up with these Self-Righteous Talks’.
UK is hit by a Cadbury Flake shortage, Brexiteers claim it’s #FlakeNews.
Things turn bitter Brexsweet as lorry driver shortage threatens Haribo sweets. It could be POLO-rizing.
BUSINESS Amazon’s Jeff Bezos buys the world. It’s back to live office meetings, which are no different from zoom meetings. Everyone is on mute and the manager talks non-stop for five hours.
Protests continue on climate change, human rights, statues’ rights, parents’ rights (not to home school), teachers rights (not to care), ban decaf forever rights, the right to be right and the right to protest.
Protesting is now a paid profession. If you don’t agree, you can protest.
A new illness is sweeping through the nation, it’s called CORONA NOSTALGIA.
Rupa Datta is elected world-wide-master-of-the-universe president of all galaxies. She brings order, fun and a ‘Don’t Mess with Me’ attitude to this male dominated environment.
She has banned all meetings of more than one.
This has been POST CORONA NEWS, brought to you by Sonia Aste.
Sonia Aste is an engineer, writer, salesperson, comedian and the ultimate Portfolio Person. More of her stuff on soniaaste.com @soniaaste FB SoniaAste InstagramSoniaAste
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.
Alas! The client-sales relationship. It used to be so simple! When I started it was, ‘I’m the Almighty Client and you’re just a low life salesperson, about as trustworthy as a profile photo in a dating App’.
I loved it! There was comfort knowing Almighty Client knew it all and didn’t want to waste time with my input (not that I had any).
All his requirements were mapped out on a RFP (request for proposal) that made War and Peace look like a tweet, plus a ‘120-slide-this-should-not-take-long-power-point-presentation’ containing enough data to rival the human genome.
Was I intimidated? Of course not. I had my ‘techie expert’ translating it into a workable solution. Me? I’d just sit back and do the numbers, my commission numbers that is.
Once the deal closed, I was home free. Things go wrong? Blame ‘techie expert ‘, blame the users, the client, global warming, the peace process, blame our DNA. Just don’t blame me, I’m just the salesperson. It was bliss!
Well, those days are OVER. And I’m not liking it one bit. Who wants to hear Almighty Client doubtfully say ‘With the market changing so fast, we’re not sure about our future requirements? Could you help?’
Are you out of your mind? Don’t you remember I’m a low life salesperson as reliable as the UK’s weather forecast?
I don’t want to be ‘part of the process’ or worse still, ‘share responsibility’. That sounds like consulting. I don’t want to be a consultant. All the consultants I know are out of work.
I should be happy. After years of trying to improve our reputation employing techniques such as TRUST SELLING, RELATIONSHIP SELLING, STRATEGIC SELLING (which all boil down to don’t be a financially driven piece of manure SELLING) clients now trust us.
And it’s not only sales people that have changed, so has technology. New products crop up so fast that yesterday’s best buy could be tomorrow’s Amazon Ring (remember? In 2020 those models were catching fire leading to a product recall). Trust me your client doesn’t want to be caught holding that firecracker.
So here are three key areas where we sales people should be ready to kick a$$, or as a polite person would say, ‘bring our expertise and excel’:
Gone are the days when we knew little to nothing about our products and services and relied on ‘techie expert’. All we have left is that old joke: What do you call a ‘techie’ when he turns 30? Your boss.
Today salespeople know products inside out, left to right, up and down and when required, we can even get into ‘techie-talk’ (yawn zzzzzz). This know-how assures the client a successful project. Let’s face it – nobody does it better than sales. (OK, maybe modesty is not one of my strong suits).
Remember that saying: keep your friends close, your competition closer. Not only because it’s key to selling, but I’ve always thought that if things get pear shaped the competition is the first point of call. I’m not proud. I’m in sales.
In summary, the Client-Sales relationship has changed for the better. Sales are not only key in helping the client find a solution but we stick around and make sure it works.
That’s enough sales talk. I’m off to get some coffee, because things might have changed, but as Alex Baldwin says in the ultimate sales play/film Glengarry Glen Ross ‘Coffee's for closers only’.